So many times in life we're faced with a decision. Turn right or turn left. We base our decisions on where we want to end up and what we want to accomplish on the way. Every day we make small decisions that influence our journey and our final destination. Some turns we hardly realize we're making and some are major detours that resonate throughout our entire lives.
Sometimes, we don't make the decision to turn, life makes it for us, and we're left wondering what the hell we're supposed to do now.
I want a bunch of kids. Not "get your own TV show" size, but a large family with lots of love and laughter and chaos. My husband Eric wanted two. I was able to talk him into three, but I still didn't feel done. I felt like there were these children that were supposed to be but weren't- and I missed them because they weren't here with me. It's hard to explain. I didn't feel like having more children would fill a void or solve my problems (I can't tell you how many times people tried to psychoanalyze my unhappiness and tell me I was being selfish). Imagine you have two children and one is away on a trip. You take your other child to Disneyworld and while you are loving seeing the joy in your one child's eyes, you can't help but feel sad and a little guilty that your other child is missing out. You want to see the joy in your other child's eyes as well. That's how I felt every day. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment spent with my three kids. They make me so happy just being. But I feel like my other children are absent and we are all missing out on their joy. I love my potential babies. And that is so, so sad.
This last summer, after almost two years of trying to talk my husband into a fourth, including looking into adoption, we agreed to try for number four. The catch was that we only had two months of trying before we had to stop or risk having my husband leave before the baby came (he's deploying to Afghanistan next year). We could wait and try again right before he leaves since deployments are running about 9 months these days, but I was against this for a few reasons. One, I would be pregnant the entire time he was gone. Two, we would risk him still being gone for the birth. And three, our two youngest would be quite far apart in age, while the other three are all close together and I really didn't want this. So it was decided that it was these two months and then we were done.
Last week I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Faint, but there were definitely two lines. We called my mom and his parents, told a few close friends. We laughingly said "what do we do now?!" and talked about baby names. But three days later I started bleeding and it was over. I had been so sure we were making that right turn on Four Kids Way and then Life threw us a detour. There are no more turns on the Kid Highway for us. And now I have to let go of these children who have grown in my heart but will never grow in my womb or before my eyes or in my arms. I have to figure out how to let them go, but it goes against everything I am as a mother. You don't give up on your children. But I have to. I have to move on with my life, see what's in store for me down No More Babies Drive. A part of me is really excited about the possiblities- going back to school, having my forever body (no more big belly! No more breastfeeding!)- but the other part of me is so sad and so, so scared. I was supposed to turn right. I was supposed to go down this certain road and have this certain life. But Life sent me left. And I'm not sure what to do next.
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